Because I’m using the Scrippets screenplay plugin for WordPress, this post probably looks like crap on Facebook and LiveJournal. Just go here to see it formatted correctly.
So, I got a phone call from a girlfriend of mine that shall remain nameless (but said it was okay for me to post this). We’ll call her ‘Cindy’ for the purpose of this post. Also, this gives me an excuse to test a new (to me) WordPress plugin for screenplay format.
The call went something like this.
INT. MUSEUM APARTMENT - DAY JOHN HARVEY (cretin, early 40s) taps away on his laptop. His cell phone rings and he answers it. We hear CINDY's voice off screen. JOHN Hi Cindy. CINDY (OS) Hey. What are you doing on Saturday night? JOHN No plans. What's up? CINDY (OS) I need you to go with me somewhere to get something done. You in? John leans back in his chair, suddenly wary and intrigued at the same time. JOHN Um ... I'm going to need some details on the somewhere and something, you know, because I don't run as fast as I used to. CINDY (OS) Well, I'm going to get a piercing. I just want someone to go with me. John no longer looks wary or intrigued. JOHN Okay. Gotta ask. Why me? CINDY (OS) You have tattoos now. So I guess that's your thing. That and you can keep a secret. JOHN Well, two tattoos. I don't think that qualifies me for a Tod Browning movie. CINDY (OS) Heh? John rubs his brow. He doesn't like it when his pop-culture references carbon date him. JOHN Google it. Why the secrecy? Where are you getting this piercing ... belly button? Long pause. CINDY (OS) No. Longer pause. Wary and intrigued comes back. JOHN Right ... are we talking north or south of the belly button? CINDY (OS) North. JOHN Oh thank God. North or south of the chin? CINDY (OS) South. JOHN Hokay. Both or just one? CINDY (OS) I think it would look funny getting just one done. John shrugs. JOHN Well, we're talking about nipple piercings. 'Funny' is a relative term. But whatever. Why don't you ask that new, awesome boyfriend you won't shut up about when I just want to drink beer? CINDY (OS) I don't want him to know. John's Spidey sense tingles. JOHN So, you're just going to wait until he chips a tooth? CINDY (OS) Shut up. I'll tell him after I get it done. Longest pause ever. CINDY (OS) Are you still there? JOHN Yeah. I'm just trying to keep my head above the foamy waves of stupid as they wash over me. CINDY (OS) Again, shut up. You let me worry about that. Are you in? I'll buy beer after. JOHN Well, they aren't my nipples and, hey, there's beer. Why the hell not? John hangs up. Shakes head. Returns to his work. Right. So that was the phone call. Next came the actual visit to the tattoo/piercing shop. So, we check in and "Cindy" goes to get her nipples pierced. I'm left in the waiting room with a woman we'll call "Betty" at the front desk. This also turned out to be a rather ... unique ... conversation. INT. TATTOO/PIERCING SHOP - NIGHT John sits in a chair in the waiting room flipping through a book of tattoo flash. Behind the counter, BETTY (tall, pretty, covered in tattoos, mid 20s) flips through a magazine. She breaks the silence. BETTY Do you know what a Prince Albert is? John does not look up from his reading, but he definitely has the look of a gazelle that just saw a lion's tail flicker in the tall grass. JOHN (neutral) Yes. BETTY We're having a special on Prince Alberts. You want one? Cautious pause. JOHN In all my years of using the word 'no', I have not meant it so clearly and with such certaintly as now. What is coming shall be the epitome of 'no'; the existence of 'no' in its purest state. This will be a 'no' of such a dense, negative state that all things positive shall be inexorably drawn toward it and crushed like matter and time to a black hole. This shall be the zenith of 'no', blazing across the sky like a Phoenix bursting from the flames of its own nest. JOHN So here it goes ... JOHN ... are you ready? JOHN No. BETTY You could have just said 'no.' JOHN Pretty sure I just did. John goes back to his book. Several moments of silence pass. JOHN Not that I want to talk a lot about this, but does a 'sale' on genital piercings really work? I mean, I have a hard time imagining a guy walking into this place and saying "You know, I didn't intend to walk out of here looking like I fell crotch-first into a tackle box. But, now that I see you're offering 10% off, I'd like to take advantage of this low-cost opportunity to have a skewer driven through the head of my penis." BETTY Actually, for some guys, it tips the scale. JOHN Yeah. I don't get that. BETTY Girls really ... you know ... like it. JOHN And you know what? If I ever fall madly in love with a woman that I think is .... prince-worthy, then I'll run back here, put my money on the counter, and get a rivet driven through my manhood. Until then, if anyone gets near my bits-and-pieces with a sharp object, every meal they eat after that will start with the words 'cream of...'. Betty sighs, shakes her head, and goes back to her reading. For the record, I cannot say that I've met anyone 'prince-worthy'.
